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I claim it, my freedom

Let me grow dizzy | and fall to the ground
but did you ever see me... | me absolutely?

Remember me? [12 Dec 2004|03:51pm]
I regret leaving here, sometimes.  Because now, I have no IDEA what's going on with any of you that didn't follow me to the new journal.

But, hi, how are you?

Comment if you wanna give me a little update on your lives.

As for me... I'm still quite sad.  But feeling less vulnerable, as time goes on.  I'm getting ready for my LAST SEMESTER AT NU.  I'm applying to UMaine for grad school, but I'm pretty sure I won't get in ... so next year I'll probably be looking for a job and trying to get my shit together.

I think I'm here because I don't want to burn bridges.  I feel myself pushing everything out of my life and closing myself up too tightly.  I don't know if I'll update or not.  I'll probably just be one of those obnoxious people that only posts once in a blue moon and has nothing interesting to say.

7 exhales come clean| wrap your breath around me

Not answering the phone [26 Sep 2004|08:45pm]
There is nothing worse than taking a hiatus and not being missed. Running, ducking, hiding, and knowing that people haven't bothered to come looking. Pulling away from something that I want so deeply only to find that I'm not worth fighting for. For a day, a week, a month... even a few minutes.

But I suppose I should take it all as a sign. Nothing, nobody, no place is dependable. Trust is stupid. And the people that you've trusted the most and been the most vulnerable with will fuck you over. I don't believe anything anymore.

After a good day, I come back to this, once again. It makes me wonder what's real, what's worth it, and what I can take before I start throwing everyone out.

Thank you, those who have found me. And thank you, those who haven't. One more little lesson down the road of life, right?

I blame this entry entirely on hormones, but that doesn't make it any less valid. I'm just not sure where to go with myself anymore.

September 5 [05 Sep 2004|04:50pm]
[ mood | happy ]

One year ago today we took that first ride in my car...

waiting wanting
to see you in my eyes
finding feelings
that I thought were buried inside

because I never though that I
could ever love like this
but you have
proven me wrong

you the stranger who took a chance
held me at a distance so I could see myself
so thank you for everything you gave without knowing
and thank you for letting me fall in love
without withholding
without withholding

so let me in now
I am ready to move
and here comes fear and resistance from you
and for once I am willing and now what i’ve got to wait?

these lessons are everywhere in my life
you know I never waited for anyone and I was always right
but ya now I give up I surrender
I would wait for you...forever

you the stranger who took a chance
held me at a distance so I could see myself
so thank you for everything you gave without knowing
and thank you for letting me fall in love with you
without withholding
without withholding

so come on and test me
go on and try it
because I know that I fit perfectly inside you
and to deny this love would be to deny your heart
and you’re going be the one who breaks it
baby if you choose to walk

you the stranger who took a chance
held me at a distance so I could see myself
so thank you for everything you gave without knowing
and thank you for letting me fall in love
you the stranger who took a chance
held me at a distance so I could see myself
so thank you for everything you gave without knowing
and thank you for letting me fall in love
without withholding
without withholding

And now everything has come full circle. Here I go...

3 exhales come clean| wrap your breath around me

[30 Jul 2004|08:40pm]
Angie and I broke up.
13 exhales come clean| wrap your breath around me

[28 Jul 2004|09:37am]
have I mentioned that my throat hurts though?
4 exhales come clean| wrap your breath around me

progress? [28 Jul 2004|09:29am]
[ mood | miserable ]

If I'm completely still
with no facial expression
and don't swallow
or move my head an inch
the left side of my jaw doesn't feel as though someone put a bullet through it.

6 exhales come clean| wrap your breath around me

*beaming* [27 Jul 2004|08:17pm]
[ mood | giggly ]

Yesterday Bruce gave me a new fishy (a betta) and I named him Edward.
Today, Angie gave me a fishy greeting card and she named it Keri.

Get it?

4 exhales come clean| wrap your breath around me

an attempt at an entry [25 Jul 2004|10:11am]
I finally found the location of that site that lets you make a cartoon image of yourself (http://illustmaker.abi-station.com/index_en.shtml), thanks to real_heat. I'm pretty excited about the picture I came out with, even if it doesn't look quite like me (I hope I don't look that young).  Of particular interest are the fact that I am standing in front of Niagara Falls, and I am holding a black kitten with yellow eyes (like my own wittle Adam).  I do not actually own a blue bandana, or a pink sweatshirt... but if you replaced the blue with green, and the pink with grey, that would be accurate (but I do like pink!). 

Do you realize how hard it is to eat a mint when you aren't allowed to suck?  Yeah.  It's way tempting.  I heart the breath savers.  So I had one.  And it sucked (because I couldn't, haha).

This morning has not been a good one.  I'm having mucho anxiety, and I'm really tired of feeling swollen and achey (but my mom says I seem better today). 

I keep losing track of when I take my pills.  My head hurts now, but I don't think it's time for more ibuprofen yet.  Hm.

I haven't really been doing anything, so this entry doesn't have a lot to say.  Yesterday I watched the Red Sox beat the Yankees.  It was a really good game. 

blah.  Okay.  I can't concentrate enough to keep writing..... adios
4 exhales come clean| wrap your breath around me

[23 Jul 2004|04:13pm]
Just wanted to say I made it, I'm okay (for the most part). My mouth is 4 teeth lighter. And I'd say more, but prolonged staring at the computer screen makes me nauseous.
19 exhales come clean| wrap your breath around me

[22 Jul 2004|11:27pm]
Help. I'm so scared.
8 exhales come clean| wrap your breath around me

wacky stuff [21 Jul 2004|07:33am]
Last night I had a dream in which I married superinternHydie. How strange. I don't remember all the details, but I know that Nick Freeman (a kid from high school) was there, and that I kicked him in the stomach. I also know that we were all waiting in an airplane type thing, and then when it was time, Hydie and I left the airplane and went down this huge hill to the altar to tie the knot. It certainly wasn't a serious marriage though. We were just like.... 'wouldn't it be fun if we got married?' Then we laughed about it and decided to do it. (God, why do I still smell cat poop after scooping the litter boxes?) At some point, kkfouetteKarin and her family also got involved, although I'm not sure where that came from.

Then, I'm not sure if it was the same dream, or another, I was driving around in Topsham/Brunswick (Maine) and all the roads were different, but looked the same. I went to Bull Moose to get a cd for Angie, and then Lamey Wellehan (where I knocked over a tower of shoe boxes and had to pick them up all by myself) and I kept running into my parents, who were being way hovery.

Hm. I dunno.....
3 exhales come clean| wrap your breath around me

The state of the infiniteaaah [20 Jul 2004|01:00pm]
Today is rather unpleasant.

I'm going to pick up from where I left off. First, the season finale of 'Queer as Folk' wasn't very good. It was way cheesey. And there was nothing about the episode that makes me feel like I can't wait until next season. Granted, they left a couple loose ends, but whatever. I don't care. So huge disappointments in the way of QAF.

Next on the agenda: my physical state. It seems like all I do lately is wage battle after battle against my uncooperative body. First it's asthma, then allergies, then anxiety, then high blood pressure, then obesity, then lack of athleticism, then more allergies, then backaches, then feminine problems, then dandruff, then eczema or psoriasis or whatever the fuck I have, then wisdom teeth, then hives. And that's where I am today: itchy, swollen, groggy from benedryl that I took last night, and uncomfortable. And my back hurts like a bitch. I'm seeing multiple doctors, and have promised to make appointments to meet with two more (we'll see how soon that happens). I know that I'm lucky. These are all superficial problems. But jeesh, I'm so tired of my body hating me.

On a personal/emotional/mental front, I've been trying to play the big bad bitch this week, and it's not really working out so well. Yes, folks, the Lauren saga continues. I have finally removed her and all of her clan from my friends page. It only seems natural, as I have obviously been 'unadopted.' Some of them still linger on my 'friend of' list... and I'm not going to pretend I don't like that. But, I figure, the cleaner the break, the better. I've been very quiet about the whole situation lately (except when I'm pretending to be aggressive), even at home. It's a lot to think about, and even more to feel. Intensity has been replaced with overwhelmed confusion and conflicted thoughts. It's more like walking around in a cloud, dazed and staring, whereas before, it was lying on the floor reaching out, gasping for oxygen. I just wish I had been wise enough to listen to all of the people along the way who tried to warn me-- and there were plenty. Surprise is certainly not an emotion I should be allowed.

Other than that, I'm okay. I'm really nervous about getting my wisdom teeth out on Friday. I'm really excited about Christine and Lorele moving to Boston in September (yay! New people to play with!) And I itch. Oh my god, I itch.... did I mention that? I wish I knew what I was allergic to (probably the mildew that grew on our wet swimming clothes because we didn't hang them up).

Work has been mostly boring lately. Today I have things to do, but they, too, are boring. So I'm avoiding them while Rom is at lunch.

Okay, I need to go figure out a way to jump out of my skin..... *frustrated primal scream*
6 exhales come clean| wrap your breath around me

meme meme meme!! [19 Jul 2004|03:00pm]
The \\
Last Cigarette:A clove cigarette, months ago
Last Alcoholic Drink:probably a white russian or something, also months ago
Last Car Ride:Yesterday, to WAL*MART
Last Kiss:This Morning (Angie)
Last Good Cry:Um, Last Sunday (+ a few tears here and there since then)
Last Library Book:Pssh, who knows?
Last book bought:I just ordered a bunch of books online, the last to arrive was 'Catching Shellfish Between the Tides'
Last Book Read:Current: Emma Donoghue 'Hood', before that 'Stir-Fry'
Last Movie Seen in Theatres:Oh goodness, it's been an eternity....
Last Movie Rented:on Netflix, 'Miracle'
Last Cuss Word Uttered:Goddamnit
Last Beverage Drank:Water
Last Food Consumed:A granny smith apple
Last Crush:The T bus driver
Last Phone Call:A woman making a tutoring appointment
Last TV Show Watched:'Queer as Folk'
Last Time Showered:This morning, 7 A.M.
Last Shoes Worn:Saucony Running Shoes
Last CD Played:'Rent' Disc 2
Last Item Bought:Gas. Do I ever buy anything else?
Last Download:updates for Adobe Acrobat
Last Annoyance:Rom. Gah! Go away!
Last Disappointment:Goddamn Denise Jackson not emailing me back
Last Soda Drank:eww, probly code red
Last Thing Written:My initials, on a tutee assignment
Last Key Used:'Tab' (everyone seems to be saying the last letter they typed... do people not use 'tab?')
Last Words Spoken:'Yeah, that sounds good'
Last Sleep:last night (midnight - 7 A.M.)
Last Ice Cream Eaten:Peanut Butter Iditarod *drool*
Last Chair Sat In:Office chair, at my desk
Last Webpage Visited:www.giffordsicecream.com (to get the name of the ice cream... I couldn't remember)

Create a survey!
3 exhales come clean| wrap your breath around me

Me? [18 Jul 2004|09:59pm]
[ mood | confused ]

Every so often I look around me and wonder, 'who am I, and how did I get here?' All of a sudden the world seems unreal. Like it's all speeding by so fast. I don't feel real. And I certainly cannot understand why I am seeing through this particular set of eyes, rather than another. I look down and see a pair of hands, but they don't feel like mine. I walk to the freezer to get a popsicle, and I can't quite grasp how this apartment became mine.

I think it may stem from big changes. All of a sudden it has struck me, through an lj change, of all things, that I've lost a friend. Truly, irreversibly lost. And I can no longer remember why, or understand any aspect of it. Next weekend I will lose 4 teeth. I'm suddenly seeing more doctors than I've seen in years, for medical problems that have only existed for a very short period of time. I no longer feel the strong ties to people that have kept me afloat for so long. Yet I don't have the courage to seek new ones. (And would they feel real anyway?)

Tonight is the season finale of 'Queer as Folk' and I'm half tempted not to watch it, just because I don't want another season to be over.

Earlier today I wrote an entry, in another place, about grasping a world which rarely feels mine. Sometime during the day, it floated away from me again. I'm tired of this moody and insecure existence.

2 exhales come clean| wrap your breath around me

Meme time [14 Jul 2004|01:52pm]
1. Go to Google and type, "You know you're from (enter your home state here) when...."
2. Cut and paste the list
3. Bold the items that apply to you.

You know you're from Maine when...

YOU'RE FROM MAINE if you can name all four seasons, but YOU'RE REALLY FROM MAINE if they are Tourist, Foliage, Ski and Mud.

YOU'RE FROM MAINE if you own flannel shirts, but YOU'RE REALLY FROM MAINE if you wear one with a tie.

YOU'RE FROM MAINE if you know the back roads, but YOU'RE REALLY FROM MAINE if you drive them to avoid the toll booth.

YOU'RE FROM MAINE if you own a pick-up truck, but YOU'RE REALLY FROM MAINE if the truck is 4-wheel drive, has a gun rack, a plow on the front and a dog in the back.

YOU'RE FROM MAINE if you attend church suppers (well, I used to), but YOU'RE REALLY FROM MAINE if that's considered a night out on the town.

YOU'RE FROM MAINE if you live in a white cape, but YOU'RE REALLY FROM MAINE if there is a picket fence around the house, a garden in the back, a woodpile on the side, and an appliance somewhere.

YOU'RE FROM MAINE if you read the Union Leader, but YOU'RE REALLY FROM MAINE if you believe it.

YOU'RE FROM MAINE if you know everyone in town, but YOU'RE REALLY FROM MAINE if most are related to you.

YOU'RE FROM MAINE if you go to the dump on Saturday, but YOU'RE REALLY FROM MAINE if you leave with more than you brought. (My grandparents used to, honestly)


You've had arguments over the comparative quality of Fried Dough.

It snows four inches and you call it "a dusting."

You know what an Irving is and the locations of 15 of them. (not literally fifteen...)

Your car is covered with yellow-green dust in May.

You can drive the Augusta traffic circle without slowing down. (I've never spent much time in Augusta)

You've hung out at a gravel pit.

You think a mosquito could be a species of bird.

You've almost fallen asleep driving between Houlton and Presque Isle. (Sadly, I've never been to 'the county')

You know how to pronounce Calais. (yay! I challenge you non-Mainers to try!)

You've made a meal out of a Jordan's red dye hot-dog, a bag of Humpty Dumpty potato chips and a can of Moxie. (ugh Moxie)

You've gone to a Grange bean supper.

At least once in your life, a seagull pooped on your head. (on my leg)

At least once in your life you've said, "It smells like the mill in here." (can we say 'Rumford?')

There's a fruit and vegetable stand within 10 minutes of your house.

You regularly crave Italian sandwiches. (wow, I miss those)

Your idea of a traffic jam is being the second car at the stoplight.

You wonder out loud if the state can just close its borders to people from away.

Your house converts to a B&B every July & August for people from away that you happen to know.

All year long you're tracking sand in the house - from the beach in the summer and the roads and sidewalks in the winter.

You have or know some one who has a front door but no porch to get to it. (I don't know why, but this is so common!)

Your kids start using "wicked" as a multipurpose part of speech. (duh)

You've ditched the car on the side of the road somewhere because you thought you saw some good fiddleheads!

You've had a vacation from school to help the family pick potatoes.

You know not to plant tender crops until after the last full moon in May. (there was a frost a few weeks ago at my grandmother's house, no joke)

You've ever given directions to someone from "away"and were tempted to or actually did send them in the opposite direction they wanted to go. (I wish I wasn't so nice, heh heh)

You watch "Murder she Wrote" and snicker at the stupid fake accents.

You know how to find the rope swing at the quarry.

You take the New Hampshire toll personally.

You always wave when you see a Maine license plate in another state. (more or less... I get so excited!)

You know a roll of duct tape and a can of flat black spray paint will get your car to pass inspection.

You have to replace you mailbox yearly because of the town plow. (our mailbox is by the front door)

You know how to get from Cumberland to Fryeburg via the "Egypt Road."

You can remember when the "Egypt Road" was a dirt track through the woods.

You actually miss the fifteen below zero mornings in winter (that have been eliminated by the greenhouse effect), because you enjoyed running
or walking to work in the silent crystal stillness, punctuated by an idling car engine as the owner waited indoors for the car to warm up before his mad dash from warmth to warmth, and your lungs did not freeze; thank you very much for your concern.

You know the word "stove" refers to what you did to the right front fender of your truck after you've had a wicked run in with a deer.

There's too much "stuff" in your 2 "cah" garage to get either of your cars into it. (incredibly common, but I have no garage)

You know the smell of Woodsmen's fly dope.

You know the difference between "hogged up," "snubbed up" and "fetched up."

Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.

Your definition of sexy lingerie is tube socks and flannel nightie with 3 buttons instead of 8.

You owe more money on your snowmobile than on your car.

The local paper covers all the national and international news on 1 page, but devotes 6 pages to sports.

You call AAA when your snow blower gets stuck on the roof.

You think the first day of hunting season is a national holiday.

Winning the lottery means you get to hunt moose.

You know which leaves make good toilet paper.

You find -20 F a little chilly.

The trunk of your car doubles as a deep freeze.

You attended a formal event in your best clothes, finest jewelry and your LL Bean Boots.

Shoveling the driveway constitutes a great upper body workout.
wrap your breath around me

Wisdom Teeth [14 Jul 2004|01:15pm]
Poll #320884 Wisdom Teeth

Have you had your wisdom teeth out?


How many did you have out?


How many were impacted?


How many days later were you ready to go back to work/school/normal activity?


Please tell me more about your recovery... any details are helpful. I'm trying to figure out when I should tell my boss I'll be back at work. I'm getting mine out on a Friday, In Maine. When will I be feeling like driving to Boston/going to work?
6 exhales come clean| wrap your breath around me

GAH [12 Jul 2004|07:37pm]
Is it so hard to tell someone when you finish their salad dressing???
wrap your breath around me

LJ politics [12 Jul 2004|05:39pm]
I deleted a lot of people from my friends page... people that...

  • I don't think care about me in the least,

  • I don't think ever read my journal anyway,

  • I'm not that interested in reading about, or

  • Never update anyway

I would like some new friends though. I'm craving reading good journals. Someone find me some new friends, okay?

If I deleted you and you're sad, I'm sorry. I am assuming that most people have too much pride to beg their way back into something as pointless as a livejournal friends page, but hey, if you want to foster some kind of relationship with me, then be my guest. I didn't delete anyone I feel I have some kind of connection with.

I'm going to assume most of you probably don't care though.

So really, whose journal should I be reading? Make suggestions....
10 exhales come clean| wrap your breath around me

The fuck I am [12 Jul 2004|04:50pm]
[ mood | frustrated ]

I'm really tired of feeling like shit. It seems as though I always feel like crap about something. There are livejournal politics, roommate politics, family politics, relationship politics, cat politics, work politics, and the physical betrayal that my own body insists on waging.

I'm tired of writing in my diaryland diary, and returning to my carefully knitted words to find that I have failed yet again.
I'm tired of checking my friends on semagic to find yet another person who has deleted me, or failed to add me back.
I'm tired of being annoyed by the least little item that I find in the 'wrong' place in the kitchen.
I'm tired of feeling on edge about where I live, and of not taking advantage of the time that I have alone.
I'm tired of fearing anxiety, of experiencing anxiety, of regretting anxiety.
I'm tired of feeling needy, of craving attention from Angie, online friends, the cats.
I'm tired of feeling lackluster, energy-les, headachey, nauseous.
I'm tired of pretending to be a writer when it is clear that I simply am not.
I'm tired of waiting, and hoping and imagining that maybe one day Lauren will want to be friends again.
And I'm tired of wondering if she is thinking about me even a fraction of the amount that I'm thinking about her.
And I'm tired of being a coward.
I'm tired of hating myself.
I'm tired of being lazy.
I'm tired of not being an athlete.
I'm tired of Boston.
I'm tired of academic failure, and the fact that I think I am an academic failure, and the fact that I live by 'should.'
I'm tired of searching for answers between the lines of online writings.
I'm tired of not getting any recognition for the vulnerability between my lines.

I am insecure to the max. I am without a best friend. I am unable to let go (of anything).

And as always, I want to be Danielle De Barbarac. I want to sparkle. I want to be talented. I want to be interesting.

And I don't want them to see me as a jerk, an asshole, as having fucked them over, as.... however it is they see me.

Why can't they just remember who I am? Why can't they listen to me, and understand me, and know how guilty I feel? Why can't they look beyond their own feelings for long enough to recognize that I have feelings and needs too? Why can't they recognize that I have human limitations, and that my definition of 'always being there' must be limited by my own humanity? Why can't we talk about this?

Why is it not worth it?

I feel futile. But endlessly motivated. And then stifled by fear. Lather, rinse, repeat.

10 exhales come clean| wrap your breath around me

The weekend [12 Jul 2004|04:31pm]
[ mood | happy ]

Before I left for the weekend, I wrote an entry about my fears. People commented to it. And now, it has randomly disappeared. This, I do not understand. :-/

Anyway, my weekend. It was mostly good, with some extremely dark streaks.

First, by the time I got to my parents' house, my brakes were making a horrible grinding sound. Luckily the people at Midas in Lewiston are far more reliable than those in Brookline, and they fixed it for me (no charge). But, of course, this meant that I had to rearrange my schedule, bum rides off of my parents, and hang out in my dad's shoe store for a couple hours after my oral surgeon appointment.

The appointment with the oral surgeon was actually not bad at all. Everyone was really really nice. And I'm not as scared as I was. The place that Angie went to get her wisdom teeth out was much more scary. The most negative aspect of my upcoming wisdom teeth appointment is the fact that I scheduled it the Friday before the DNC (Democratic National Convention, in Boston), and I am somehow going to have to figure out how to get in and out of Boston (first to get back to the city after the surgery, and then to get back to Maine for my follow-up). [for those of you not living in Boston, this means that all major roads through the city will be shut down, traffic will be impossible, and most intelligent people are planning on evacuating] I would love to just not bother and: go home, get the suckers out, and stay in Maine until my follow-up appointment. But.... missing a week of work would most likely accomplish two extremely inconveniant things: 1) Losing a week of pay and 2) Complete chaos in the office (seeing as how my boss is completely unorganized and flaky). But then, who knows how soon I'll even want to go back to Boston? :-/

Angie and I missed the Moxie Day parade, mainly because I insisted on being a cranky child for most of the weekend.

And then yesterday, I found myself crying hysterically, ranting and otherwise freaking out for several hours on our drive back to Boston.

other than those few blemishes, the weekend really was good.

Angie loved camp, and the lake. We went canoing (sp?), which is not my favorite activity, but Angie loved it. We also swam a lot. It was my first time swimming with a lover and it was so nice to have someone to cling to (clinging to my parents when I was little doesn't count, nor does Adrianna holding onto me and pretending I'm a horse). I also hadn't been swimming at all in a long time, so the lake water felt quite nice.

Yesterday I ate lobster *drool* and since then I haven't been able to get it out of my mind. I want more. *drool* wow, it was so good.

Caroline, my brother's newest baby, is absolutely perfect. She is one of the most beautiful babies I have ever seen. And it was excellent to hold her as much as I did. :-) I was never around when Rosalie was a baby, and J & S were much too protective of Adrianna to let me hold her much. Now is the time when being an aunt becomes fun. I played with Adri in the water, and I read to Rosie. aaah :-)

Today I stayed home from work sick. I'm starting to feel better now, but ugh.... my head has hurt all day, and I feel completely uncomfortable in my own skin. I slept until 1:30. And now I'm enjoying the internet, and the kitties. *sigh* Life is pretty good.

To be continued...

6 exhales come clean| wrap your breath around me

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